Islamic State ‘not Islamic enough’

Contains everything you need to know

Contains everything you need to know

Everyone from Obama up says that Islamic state has nothing to do with Islam, and they may be right. Despite the fact that beheadings, rapes and indiscriminate violence all follow the example of Muhammad, “the perfect man” who must be emulated, there are plenty of other rules that must be obeyed. And as we all know, there is either Islam or no Islam, right, Recep?

For example, there are a whole range of rules of ‘etiquette’, such as:

  • Clipping the moustache
  • Cutting nails
  • Circumcising the male offspring
  • Cleaning the nostrils, the mouth, and the teeth
  • Cleaning the body after urination and defecation

Whilst the first four are pretty easy (number 3 may be less relevant in the circumstances), with regard to the fifth, are we 100% sure that every member of IS strictly complying with the following requirements?

A Muslim must first find an acceptable place away from standing water, or people’s pathways or shade.They are advised that it is better to enter the area with the left foot, facing away from the Qiblah.

While on the toilet, one must remain silent. Talking, answering greetings or greeting others is strongly discouraged. The private parts must be washed with water after defecating or urinating to minimize germs that are present on urine and feces. When defecating together, two men cannot converse, nor look at each other’s genitals. A man should not touch his genitals with the right hand.

When leaving the toilet, one is advised to leave with the right foot, and also say a prayer – “Praise be to Allah who relieved me of the filth and gave me relief.”

That last bit is Islam-speak for “mission accomplished, splashdown”.

Unless they are following the above to the letter, in between dodging bullets, running for cover from drone strikes and beheading journalists, then they are not proper Muslims.

And while we are on the subject, I hope they aren’t using any Western medical techniques for their sick and wounded, because everything a Muslim needs to know is in the Qur’an.


That’s why Caliph Omar ordered the burning of the library at Alexandria, quipping:

“If those books are in agreement with the Quran, we have no need of them; and if these are opposed to the Quran, destroy them.”

And I really hope they aren’t using mobile phones or pretty much any technology of any kind, because you can bet your life that they will include Israeli technology. That would be maximum haram I should think!

So maybe Obama, Kerry and Cameron are right – IS has nothing to do with Islam!


  1. When staging through Dubai on my way to your fair and pleasant land, I’ve noticed that most muzzies refuse to use urinals and instead queue for the WC’s. Now I know why
    “Praise be to Allah who relieved me of the filth and gave me relief.” speaks of an institutional Anal complex which explains an awful lot about Islamic fundamentalism.


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