Terror threat level raised to ‘High’ – Methodists blamed


Leader of the extremist group, John Wesley

Leader of the extremist group, John Wesley

Satire alert: Australia today raised the terror threat level to ‘high’ as a result of the increasing risk posed by fundamental Methodists.

In a press release issued by the radical Methodist State from a secret location in a sleepy part of Cornwall, UK (and right next to a very good tea shop, which is handy), it has warned that unless it receives enough cup-cakes and chocolate biscuits for the bring-and-buy sale on Saturday, it will be forced to instruct its militants, who will all be wearing the now-familiar chunky wool cardigans made for them by the ladies’ knitting circle, to go into the streets to carry out random acts of kindness on unsuspecting strangers.

The statement also said:

We have a highly dangerous collection of Charles Wesley’s most cloying and sentimental hymns, and we’re not afraid to use them. So you’d better come up with the cakes and biscuits or else, or else… we’ll all get very, very cross. But only for a bit, and not really cross, because we’re such nice people we’ll have a lovely time whatever happens. Don’t forget the Christmas jumble sale either – that’s always a great success! I see the weather’s turned out nice again…

The public were advised to be on their guard for members of the Methodist State in the streets raising money for charity and other good works.

In other news: Rape, beheadings, murders, destruction, torture and suicide bombings, all thanks to the Religion of Peace.

Comments

  1. You’ve been badly misled. The Methodists are actually a front for the 7th Day Adventists, who are far more extreme.

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  2. thingadonta says:

    2000 years of rationalism and common sense has reduced what was once a radical sect within the west_called christianity- to charity work. It will probably take about as long for islam.

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  3. Sean McHugh says:

    “go into the streets to carry out random acts of kindness on unsuspecting strangers.”
    That’s not how you become “a religion of peace”.

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  4. I’d put them on boats and send them back to where they came from.
    Look what they’ll do to our drinking culture.
    Bunch of puritanical wosers!

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  5. We all know that various Christian organisations have covered up, or otherwise hidden from view, the utterly despicable acts of some of their people. I condone neither the acts themselves, nor the secrecy and deliberate obfuscation of investigations or discussions about such activities.

    However, I find it very odd that the media, and, yes, the ABC too, disseminates and thereby tacitly supports, some really quite ignorant, vindictive, offensive, and nasty commentary about Christianity. Not because I am christian (I’m not, anyway), but because the double-standards are incredible, and should be highlighted, and condemned, especially when our political representatives start taking sides (overtly, or tacitly) instead of condemning any such commentary, be it about christians, muslims, jews, or pastafarians…

    Apparently its ok to say/publish/air the view that ‘all christians are pedophiles’, with nary a peep from the ‘left’ of our Australian politicians, yet any similarly broad, and inaccurate accusations, such as ‘all muslims are suicide bombers’ gets lots of condemnation and accusatory speeches talking of race hate (never worked this one out), bigotry, intolerance, and the like, usually from the same noisy but inept people. From this oft-repeated activity I can only conclude that they must condone intolerance based on religious belief as long as it’s directed at Christians and Jews, but not Muslims… These are not the sort of individuals who should be allowed to hold privileged and authoritative positions as representatives of the Australian people.

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    • luisadownunder says:

      Hope it didn’t take you a long time to work out what the rest of us, on this site at least, had worked out many moons ago… as far back as the 80s, in fact.

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    • Well as long as people reliase the Establishment is 100% NWO lackies who do as they are told by the sick-in-the-head globalists, there are no surprises.
      The current plan is to kick off WWIII between muslims & Christians/Jews by demonizing as many on each side as possible to the other, and thus manufacturing a state of hate.
      They light the fuse and run off….and fan the flames as it suits them.
      The riots in the UK were a disappointment – it didnt kick off. The Cronulla riots failed.
      So now they are trying to create a them-Us state of play in every country between muzzies & Christains/Jews.
      Awkward fact that a lot of american cash has indirectly funded ISIS/ ISIL, and they were warned about this scenario devleoping but let it go……

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  6. Simon, while I enjoy reading the satire and agree with many of your views and opinions, you should consider having an off topic section for this kind of stuff, and focus more on the “climate change”, since after all, that’s the title of this site.
    On that note… Sea level rises due to climate change could cost Australia $200b, Climate Council report finds. That’s $200b of infrastructure… at risk by 2100, modern buildings don’t even last 100 years, morons.

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  7. It was very timely of you Simon to start your Aussie Madness blog when you did – I suppose todays events push wide the envelope of what many of us thought likely. All the best Simon.

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